Moving abroad was always a fantasy. It felt like things would get automatically better and sorted. Every time I saw someone posting from abroad, I felt I was losing on something, I couldn’t accomplish what I could have. There must be something better waiting for me on the other side. But may be the grass was green on the other side. It’s been 4 months and 8 days to be exact I landed on Melbourne and I feel sorry for myself. Did we make a wrong decision? Definitely few things have better side, with less pollution and less stress of unnecessary family dramas, but was it all worth it?
No one is gonna read my blogs anyways. Why should anyone? What have I accomplished by far? Am I that popular or inspirational to be followed by anyone? NO! I have been stuck in my head. Something inside my head controls me, makes me lazy, doesn’t let me go for chasing my dream, making the networks, getting up early from bed and studying hard or smart. I fuck up my diets if I don’t see my husband around. He is the only factor that has disciplined me to sleep and eat on time by far. Well, talking about him, it feels bad that our decision has impacted him more than me. He was so well respected, had his life sorted, earned hefty load of money, could travel anywhere and eat anything he liked. No extra spending on rents and all. Met his friends frequently, had fun and all. Now it gone like…like a dream.
With no professional job of his own, I can sense how pathetic he must feel inside. To work for others, tirelessly, wake up at 5 AM in the morning and return home with bruises and aches. He can barely fold his fingers now. He complains of his body pain, joint pain and spasms like a old chap. I cannot do anything that to offer him a good massage. Few days ago, a friend of mine who studied together with me on school, message to catchup with him. Catchup with him and say what? Say that even if I topped all his classes and he barely passes, now he is the one with a professional engineering job and I am here seeking casual jobs to clean tables? O dear god! This feels like a looser. One thing Melbourne has done to me is to humble down. I know the friends might have faced their own sort of struggle when they came here but we are too old to be spending time to restart again. At least this is what I feel these days, we either came late or came, just the timing doesn’t seem to make any sense to me.
People often say there is no single timeline for all. But think about raising a toddler at your 40’s when you have no energy to carry to the baby or its responsibilities! Damn! the biological side effects to be able to bear a baby and produce without going into medical risks! It feels like the time is ticking like a bomb and I am freezing like statue. Feeling helpless and not being able to do anything about it too.
O god, what it a make we made? Was it wise of us to leave the life of comfort and get trapped in this stranger land? Will life get any better?
P.S. For few positives, I was able to learn how to checkout myself after buying groceries in the supermarket all by myself when husband wasn’t there. That must be considered as my achievement as I feared like shit to go shopping alone here.