What’s the use of so many successes if there is no one around to be happy for me, tap me in my shoulders and say, yes you did it, you made us proud. What’s the use if, after your success party, you have to go home to an alone and lonely room where there is no one to welcome you? What’s the use if there was no one who knew how hard you worked to achieve what you always wanted. Above all, what’s the use if there is no one you can go back to and celebrate with?
These days it feels lonely. I don’t know if this is the age factor or just my crazy PMS. Things just feel black and white. The heart craves for someone to whom I can pour out my heart, my love, my affection, my care, and everything. But it feels empty inside when I find myself alone. I have dealt with many “alone” in life but “loneliness” is something that makes me sick. Always sick. The loneliness is followed by scary thoughts of myself spending life with a total stranger my parents will find for me. For a moment I would love to trust my parent would find the best person in the world for me. I really wish I could but I can’t. I have seen things. In fact, I have done things I myself am not so proud of. Everyone makes mistakes, and what if they find me somebody who is just habituated to make mistakes and is good at hiding them? It’s easier these days to deceive. You can easily hide the hideous characters underneath a sweet smile and slippery voice. Technology has made it easier. Just throw some colorful pictures, show the world you are the most handsome and successful person in the world…who is never sad, people will fall head over toes for you. How will my innocent parents know that person? They never knew I date anyone in life, I made any mistakes in life…they idealize me for a perfect daughter which I am not and maybe just as deceptive I am to them, how can I trust anyone won’t mask themselves up in front of them?
Life is not just academics, money, and career…life is also emotion, life is being vulnerable, life is being a child, life is being happy, life is being messy, life is much more…far more than the college grades which try to evaluate our entire character. I still hear my mom saying, he is the best person for you, he has never been second in his life”. Has he mom? Tell me if he hasn’t ever traded his social life for his grades, locking himself up inside a small room, in between the lines of the book, believing that the world will treat fairly for the bookish people only. No, mom. This might be where the generation gap started, but books and grades do not measure success and happiness in life. It can never measure how loving a husband will be to your daughter and how responsible a dad he will be to your grandchildren.
There is a part where my brain is constantly worried about the career and the other part is so much worried about the person who will enter my life. I know, it is not just me who is worried sick. I know almost all of my girlfriends are in the same shoe right now. It just doesn’t feel any good right now. Life is really really difficult. I don’t want to scare but I am. I feel all hopelessly alone and lonely. I know they say, you must be sufficient in yourself…but we all also know the reality that we aren’t. We never will be. Otherwise, why tie us in marital relationships if we were ever sufficient all alone? We aren’t. After all, we are human beings and we have social demands. We need someone to love us, to take care of us, to worry about us, to cry for us, to make us feel safe.