Leaving Nepal with mixed feeling

My husband and I made a serious decision a few months ago. i.e. leaving Nepal. Was it our want to leave Nepal or was it something else? Deep inside we both know, it’s just not about the country, not just about the political situation or the increasing pollution within the valley…it was mostly about the increasing pollution inside the house, the feeling of not belonging and the feeling of being homeless even when being home. We have everything in Nepal, a good place to live in, easy lifestyle, a good paying job, comparatevely an averagely sophisticated life for an average Nepali. But it is not just about the materials outside; this very thing kept lingering in our mind until one day we made a hard choice to leave everything behing to create a world of our own which we can actually call ours, call it a home and build every inches, every bricks and walls of that house with love, that would be our actual home.

Back here in Nepal, we are the sandwich generation between old and new school thoughts. Our independance and self confidence doesn’t allow our soul to become a house wife material or daughter in law as expected. If I work till late, I won’t definitely want to get up at 5 AM just to satisfy the household rituals of sweeping the floors. If I participate in winning bread for the family, I do not want to feel like the sole individual responsible to cook the bread as well. The society is far from accepting new daughter in laws and we, the new daughter in laws are equally far from taking our own stand without feeling guilty. I feel guilty of not being able to stand upto my in law’s expectations and I again feel guilty of feeling guilty about wrong thing. Infact, my head is now messed up. I no longer recognize right or wrong.

We compromised many things in life and these days so many of those compromises feel just normal. It feels funny how I am unable to put exact information today in this article as well. I do not want to defame my family lol. Well, to get rid of such many untold experiences, me and my husband are planning to leave Nepal and start a new struggle in Australia. However, my heart is still confused between was it a right thing to leave your old father in law alone? Since mother in law left him to start her new life in Canada, it is just us who he can rely on. He doesn’t like his elder son, hence, keeps a distance from him. I know, if I chose to stay back in Nepal, I will definitely regret the decision 5 years down the line. But today, I am writing this article with a painful heart that we are atucally leaving the old man behing on his own. I do know if this is the right decision or not, but it doesn’t feel good in my heart. But for so many wrongs he had doen to people, his own mother, his own wife, his own sons and daughters, was it his Karma? I do not know…hopefully time will let me know if I made the right choice!

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