No one is going to read my boring blogs, are they? No, right? Well, who cares!
Life lately has been surprisingly different. I am no longer a bachelorette, given I married three months ago. I have almost completed my master’s. I have no job to do and no classes to attend. My handful of friends is no more in touch. I call none, no one calls me. I meet nobody, nobody meets me. I am realizing I was the boring one in the classroom for no one after college seem to be interested in catching up with me while they are meeting each other. If you ask me does it hurt or not…well, why not! I am a human being alright! and not a robot. I have my own set of feelings. It definitely hurts to have no friends in your life but I guess someone like me seriously needs to understand the feeling is here to stay and I have to damn learn to live with it or else I will be over-expecting from life.
If anyone will ask me in the future what my midlife crisis looked like, I will definitely remember this phase of my life, where I am fucking broke, and lonely.
And there is another super important thing if you want to know about me…these days, I feel super bored getting up from my bed. I am literally glued to my bed sheet. My simple routine looks like helping my mother-in-law in the kitchen or just eating and sleeping. Nonetheless, I am getting a double chin, triple-layer stomach, and gas-cylinder-shaped body gradually. I get hungry all the time since my entire energy is spent either overthinking or getting sad and spreading negativity all around. Nothing excited me, nothing makes me happy. I have started to feel like this is the feeling I am going to get stuck with throughout my life. Left and right I see people making progress, going abroad, starting businesses, earning a shit ton of money, and living a rich life both financially and mentally and here I compare myself to a lonely broke mid-aged lazy bone.
I don’t have any more hopes for myself. It feels heavy to carry your own ass around. I feel like I have spilled every single drop of blood from my body. I feel pale and sick. I feel weak. I feel super unmotivated. Life is getting heavier and my boat doesn’t seem to sail at all.
Sometimes I want to literally disappear from everyone and everything. I want to be lost and never found. I want to be with just myself and discover myself.
I want to be happy again.